Waiting to go into labor with your first baby can be downright terrifying.
You have no real idea what to expect, but you’ve heard about 462 birth stories that all have one general theme – PAIN.
(Even your friends that had an epidural – their stories are still about pain. They say “the pain was so bad I couldn’t handle it, you NEED to plan for an epidural, it’s the best thing you’ll ever do!” Right?! You’ve totally heard them say that!)
I am very high anxiety, and I’ve developed some seriously concrete coping mechanisms for dealing with my anxiety over the years… but I still really struggled with severe anxiety surrounding the pain of childbirth and not knowing what to expect from labor.
(THIS POST PROBABLY CONTAINS AFFILIATE LINKS. OUR FULL DISCLOSURE POLICY IS REALLY BORING, BUT YOU CAN FIND IT HERE.)
Related: Dealing with anxiety in pregnancy
Related:How to get over $500 in FREEBIES for your new baby
It’s true that having a baby hurts.
The reason everyone talks about the pain is because it’s painful. There’s no way around that.
(It’s also messy, emotional, and life changing. And it’s amazing. Just as much so as it’s painful – I don’t know why our stories don’t focus on those aspects as strongly.)
I didn’t have an epidural, but I did have some intravenous painkillers a couple times. They just took the edge off. I also had laughing gas, which was AWESOME.
Regardless of what sort of pain management you’re planning (epidural, just the basic pain meds, or nothing at all but positive thinking), there’s bound to be a point when you’ll think, “hmmmm – not really a walk in the park!”.
And it’s good to know that going in.
You’ve probably heard that it’s all worth it and you’ll forget the pain as soon as the baby is born. That stuff is totally true…
People told me that.
But there’s something else you should know going in, and if I had known this thing, it would have made the whole labor easier. I just wish someone had said:
It’s probably not going to be as bad as you THINK it will be.
As long as everything remains uncomplicated, what you ACTUALLY go through might not be as bad as you THINK it will be.
I think this might be because it – the pain – has a purpose, and you know it. It’s not comparable to pain where the cause it unknown, or pain where your suffering seems so totally pointless.
Also, the pain only gets to a certain level, and then it really doesn’t get any worse.
I wish I had known that for me the laboring part, the contractions BEFORE the pushing part, THAT is worse than getting the baby OUT.
Related: The hands-down best labor advice you’ll ever get
Related: The no fluff Hospital bag checklist: pack the stuff you ACTUALLY need
I know this doesn’t sound like a crazy revelation, but at one point when I was in labor, after I had already been in significant pain for quite a while, I broke down and cried to my husband that I couldn’t do it – not because I couldn’t live with the pain I was already in… but because I was 100% certain that it was only going to get worse, and the anxiety of that thought was overwhelming.
But, looking back on the experience, it didn’t.
There was different pain after that, but not WORSE. The anxiety was worse than the pain.
Once pushing started, it was actually a relief of sorts. It was a relief to know I was that much closer to the end, it was a relief to be able to DO something, and to feel like the pain had a purpose now.
Even the pain that women describe as the “ring of fire” wasn’t an unbearable pain – in fact, I focused on the fact that the longer you feel the “ring of fire” the less likely you are to tear. (More time for stretching slowly!)
I really wish I had known that it wasn’t going to be as bad as I THOUGHT it was going to be. That would have saved me so much stress and I could have relaxed more and just focus =ed on getting through the present moment. That’s what’s important. Just get this THIS moment – don’t worry about the next moment.
How knowing this will change my next labor
I’m not as afraid to go into labor this time. (I’d be crazy to say I was looking forward to it, but it’s not scary.)
I know every labor is completely different, but I’m confident that this time I’ll be able to relax more during labor; to focus on getting through the contractions one at a time – rather than the letting anxiety build with each one.
Having my attention on the present moment, instead of worrying about the next moment, will be significant.
I’m all for a few drugs here and there (I really want to avoid epidural if possible though), but I also REALLY believe that our mindset can help us through labor – and this time I’ll have so much more brain power to put towards pain management!
This article from my friend Jamie on how she handled the pain of natural childbirth is one of the most useful guides I’ve ever read.
This time, not being consumed with dread, I’ll be able to put the techniques she mentions (like relaxed hands, controlled breathing, and helpful thoughts) to work!
Oh, thank you so much! It is a great, great thing to know! I will give birth in August and of course I’m not afraid now, but I also suffer from anxiety about pain and I will defenity remeber your words.
The anxiety was way worse than the pain when it was all said and done! (Don’t get me wrong the pain sucked – but I’m all signed up to do it again and not nearly as anxious this time.)
Agreed! The anxiety was SO much worse!
Pushing was really intense for me (ftm in October), but labor was an absolutely comfortable experience, even though I had to be on Pitocin. I was honestly standing there worried I wasnt “making enough progress” literally 3 minutes before I started feeling pushy. I absolutely credit it all to Hypnobabies. I did the home study program and started a bit early to give myself lots of time to practice and it works! I highly, highly recommend it. It’s so much more than just staying relaxed and breathing through the sensations. I saw your post pop up on Pinterest and I had to comment because I truly believe natural birth doesn’t have to be painful!
I completely disagree with this woman because we all have different experiences. For me the pushing out of the baby was significantly more painful than the contractions, but I wasn’t able to get an epidural. Honestly the worst part is the anxiety that comes with the anticipation of waiting.
You are absolutely right! Fear of labor or the unknown makes the intensity of contractions much worse! Try looking up some birth affirmations if you think it might help 🙂 I’ve had 4 births: two in a hospital with pitocin (unnecessary, I was lied to) and an epidural, one all natural in hospital and one at home. Natural was much easier and home was the best. Also, a doula is amazing!!!
I had my first with zero pain relief. She got stuck and had to be “suction cupped” right out. I am super grateful that my labor was only 7 hours and pushing was about 20 minutes. For those women whose labor is much longer, I would strongly recommend pain relief! My second was also born in under 9 hours with a grand total of two pushes. I then had twins which required the epidural for c-section. Trust me, labor was better. Recovering from that dang surgery was extra awful since I had a cough before going in.
I totally agree with you that the pushing is a sense of relief. The pain of those last contractions sucks but not so much that we aren’t willing to do it again for those little smiles and toes!
That’s so true ! During my first labor i had epidural so it was not painful at all ! Next time epidural didn’t work I had the pains (carrying twins) and the worst part was that I was very anxious it will get so much worse! Which it didn’t ! I was begging for csection and the doctors listened to me however the babies had different plans and they came out before we manage to go to the theatre! In a future pregnancy i wouldn’t think the labor for a moment!!and you know what the times I got the babies in my arms will be the most emotional of my whole life !
In The Netherlands -where I live- it’s very common to give birth at home, although you can go to the hospital if you want too. When you give birth the gyn and a nurse come to your house and whenever there is a medical need to go to the hospital, they’ll immediately call the ambulance. I have four children and gave birth to them all at home. Because I was in my own comfortable home, I was able to relax way more than I would be able to in the hospital. It’s indeed all about your mindset! Of course it will hurt, but breathing through the pain instead of trying to keep the pain away helped me to bear it. To be honest: if it’s about pain I prefer giving birth above going to the dentist. Honestly!
I had my baby at home with nothing but a shower and a TENS unit for relief (if you don’t know, look into if! It’s awesome!).. I gotta say, it was much more INTENSELY UNCOMFORTABLE than painful in my opinion. Like more intense than anything I could possibly imagine or explain. But not so much pain.
At the end of the day, you can endure just about anything for a day or however long your labor lasts… but your mindset is super important! If you go into it thinking it’s going to be terrible, it probably will be! If you just think “it’s what has to happen to have my baby” and know that your body can handle it, you’ll get through it. Xoxo
The “the pain isn’t as bad as you think it will be’ part is SO REAL. I had pelvic surgery 10 years before my daughter was born, and I STILL maintain that the agonizing, 12 week recovery of that was 10x worse than my unmedicated, 22 hour labor with intense back labor 99% of the time. I grew up in a household where childbirth was literally the worst thing to happen to anyone ever and it terrified me for years.
Years after leaving home, I became educated about childbirth. I learned that it’s not a walk in the park, but in uncomplicated cases it’s tolerable, acceptable. I would go through labor again in a heartbeat now, knowing that one way or another that baby will be coming out of me and that I can take it no matter what!
… one way or another that baby will be coming out of me – LOL totally this!!
You want that baby OUT by this point!
I think the important part to remember here is IF your labor goes as expected. No one told me that you can have transition contractions the ENTIRE duration of labor even when you’re only three centimeters dilated. I read this article before giving birth and I’m sorry, but my experience was far far worse than I thought it would be and I had really done my homework about what to expect. I think the important thing to tell moms to be is not to go in with a plan, educate yourself as best as possible and then be flexible. Trust in your team and your partner and you will do what is right for you and your baby. 32 hours of labor (17 without an epidural) is exhausting and testing no matter what you thought you knew. It’s going to hurt, and that pain will be completely different for everyone and it may not go according to the “typical” labor signs. I wish someone had told me that.
It is a huge difference going into your second labor than your first! I was a mess and so and completely out of my mind scarred with my first birth. When i got pregnant with my second that entire 9 months i worked on getting my mental state prepared for what was to come and i rocked threw 100% natural with my second child and not only was i surprised to learn that i was fully dilated and just waiting for my water to break when i got to the hospital with my second that i was managing each and every contraction like a boss!!! I am so happy with that and hope this third and final labor i will be going threw in just a few months will be as equally smooth. The pain is real and there but as long as you have a good mind set and prepare yourself mentally you can do it!!
Sorry but my labour was way way worse than I could ever imagine. I was definitely not expecting a walk in the park but nothing could prepare me for that experience. He was 10 and a half pounds though.
Hi Carly!
Thank you for your post! It is very real but also positive which is very nice after reading all the horror stories about giving birth.
I am about to give birth soon and I have been nervous about the pain. I hope all goes fine and as you said, it might not be as bad and scary in the end.
I am happy that I read this!
Something no one tells you about subsequent labors- all of them are different. My third was much more painful because he was coming so fast. Even the l&d nurses we’re surprised at how fast I was progressing and started to scramble.
The scars from c-sections, the position of the baby, the force of the contractions, your health, the stress of an early or late baby…they change each time. If you did a natural birth once- awesome! But you’re not guaranteed the same experience a second time. That’s life.
It helped me to remember that every doctor, nurse, anesthetist, and aide wants to keep you and the baby alive. They’re experts and they want to help you.
Thank you so much for this article! I’m 36+5 so I’m starting to get terrified of the actual birthing process. I have every intention of going natural (Bradley Method) with maybe some nitrous oxide. Your article not only comforted me, but gave me confidence in the choice I’ve made. Thank you so much!
Stephanie – no problem, I’m glad it helped! Good luck!!