There are some people who won’t even understand the title of this post. They don’t know what it’s like to wonder where to start when cleaning a messy house.
They’ve never been paralyzed by a mess. Overwhelmed doesn’t even really cover it.
They’ll think – “what does that even mean?!” (These people always have clean houses, and they can organize their junk drawer with their eyes closed. Or at least they could if they had a junk drawer. But they don’t. They don’t know what it’s like to be ashamed of your messy house.) They’ve never experienced a truly messy house.
And there’s some people who will roll their eyes at the drama of it, and they’ll think “Just clean it up. Take the action, do the things.” These people are also likely to leave nasty comments about how this post is sort of stupid. (I won’t publish them.)
But then there’s other people – maybe you’re one of these people – who know what it’s like to stand in the middle of a messy room and feel absolutely paralyzed by the mess. (Me!! I AM ONE OF THESE PEOPLE!) These people will get what this post is about.
We are the people who wonder desperately “where to start cleaning my house?!”
You might even have a secret fear that your house looks like hoarders (you know, that TV show where food is molding under the couch and the neighbors are complaining?)
And I want to share some good solid advice with these people (you), on how to move forward with cleaning when you feel paralyzed by a mess.
Because I’ve been there, but – thank goodness – I’m not there anymore.
Start with some simple structure and routine to whip your house back into shape!
Start by printing a simple home cleaning planner – with daily + weekly task lists, spring + fall cleaning checklists, and room by room cleaning checklists to make sure it all gets DONE.
If you regularly lose a weekend to a cleaning ‘blitz’ – that doesn’t actually accomplish anything because you just bounce from room to room – a planner with checklist will help.
CLICK HERE TO GET OUR HOME CLEANING PLANNER!
(THIS POST PROBABLY CONTAINS AFFILIATE LINKS. OUR FULL DISCLOSURE POLICY IS REALLY BORING, BUT YOU CAN FIND IT HERE.)
Related: A Simple Solution to Clutter & Disorganization
When you want to clean up “the mess” in your house but don’t know where to start:
You know what I’m talking about when I say “the mess”.
It’s not like you had a clean house 6 hours ago, but a kid’s birthday party has turned your home into a danger zone. Little piles of melty ice-cream everywhere and paper cups behind the couch.
No, that kind of mess isn’t THAT hard to clean up. (If you have THAT kind of mess, you really just need this stuff.) Although this advice will apply to how to clean a trashed house as well – any mess, little-people-parties included.
I’m talking about THE MESS. The big bad mess. When you have let the clutter and junk take over. There’s piles of laundry in the living room, you can’t see the kitchen counters, can’t remember the last time you cleaned out the fridge. You may or may not find a bag of potatoes – or what used to be potatoes – sitting at the back of the pantry.
If you take a moment to look around your home you might even feel shame and despair. But you also look around and feel that sinking feeling that says you won’t EVER be able to clean it up, because you just do NOT know where to start.
It’s hopeless.
THAT kind of mess.
This is the sort of paralyzing mess that for some reason, wants me to live in it. (I don’t. I work very hard to not allow my home to be messy. I am not a naturally tidy person, which is baffling because I LOVE it when my home is tidy, and I grew up in a tidy home. I don’t know where I developed the messy habits.)
I have learned that it is far easier to KEEP my home clean than to have to try cleaning a messy house once it gets to the paralyzing mess stage.
But, if you are still there, paralyzed in your mess… well, I get it and I have the path to the light at the end of the tunnel for you.
My momma taught me this when I was an obviously overwhelmed-by-the-mess kid, and it’s worked ever since.
Related: How to Conquer Clutter When it’s Emotionally Difficult
Related: Tackling Clothing Clutter: Confessions of a Clothes Hoarder
First, two things to consider (to start cleaning a messy house):
If you are so overwhelmed that you don’t believe it’s possible to clean your house, you might need to ask for help and that’s ok, but then be willing to let the helper help. It’s really frustrating to have someone ask you to help them and then not be allowed to do anything. If you feel like you need to be in control, that’s something you’ll have to address.
The odd time when my home DOES return to this state of overwhelming mess (like- um – if I have a baby and forget how to do “life”) I ask for help when I need it.
Also, consider addressing the clutter and disorganization in your home – FOR GOOD. Sometimes just cleaning up isn’t enough.
Addressing the clutter in my home took me a LONG way towards never feeling paralyzed by the mess anymore. But I didn’t know where to start, and I actually needed someone to TEACH me how to do it.
If your house is constantly buried in clutter and mess, check out The Organized Home Course by Hilary from Pulling Curls. It is created just for people like us, who need to be given bite-sized tips & lessons on organization so we know where stuff is, save time & feel more peace at home. (Because we do ACTUALLY deserve to feel at peace in our homes!)
This is the perfect course for organizing a messy home if:
- You always need hours of notice before having guests because you’re embarrassed about the state of your home.
- You’re always worried you misplaced an important document or won’t be able to find things when you need them.
- You’ve ever wondered why can’t YOU enjoy peaceful time on the couch or enjoying your family instead of always stressing out about the state of your home?
If you need someone to TEACH you how to address clutter and get organized, Hilary is your girl, and you can get 10% off the course here with the code MOP10.
But even if you choose not to ask for help or deal with the clutter, you can clean up the mess.
And here’s how.
You pick up one thing.
(Tune out the rest of the mess for now. You’re just dealing with one thing.)
Pick up one thing – the nearest thing to you – and ask yourself, “Where does this thing go?”
Does it have a home in your home? Does it need to LEAVE your home (donation/garbage)?
Then put that thing where it goes. (If it needs to be donated, make a box for donating and call that it’s home for now.)
And pick up another thing. Find it’s home or give it a home or get it out of your home.
And repeat.
And repeat.
And repeat.
I swear this works. It’s tedious yes. But it’s not overwhelming. It’s one thing at a time… and one thing at a time, you can clean up the mess.
Related: Secrets for Keeping the House Clean With Small Kids
Related: 7 Tangible & Life-Changing Benefits of Decluttering
If you try to do this but get distracted or stuck or struggle with how to motivate yourself to clean a messy house:
Here’s where asking for help can be awesome – because there is an automatic built in job for the helper. (Plus having someone else involved can be really good cleaning motivation!)
Have someone (a patient someone) hand you one thing at a time and ask “where does this go?”
And repeat.
Having someone else there to keep you on track might be the only way to keep yourself going the first time you do this.
But you CAN do this 🙂
Once things are put properly in their homes (or out of your home) tackle the “dirt” – which you will inevitably find under “the mess” – with the most natural, safe, and cost effective household cleaners you can find. (For me that’s been Norwex – this one tub of cleaner has lasted me for THREE YEARS and I have no qualms about getting it on my skin. They even have a system for washing windows and mirrors with ONLY water!)
More From Mommy on Purpose:
Where do you start when you’re drowning in CLUTTER?
Clean kitchen habits you can adopt today
As someone who often hits the paralyzed feelings, I’ve learned to work a system similar to yours. I set an alarm for 15 minutes and work on one room or item or section until the timer is does. It keeps the overwhelming feelings away by knowing I don’t have to do it ALL now. Just 15 mins. If I have time I do another segment for 15 mins.
I’ve also learned that when my house is perpetually messy, I have collected too many things. They don’t all have a home so of course my house is a wreck from all the new “stuff” sitting wherever. So a day/week/month of focusing on minimalizing everything helps the future chaos.
I’m a lazy slob when it comes to housekeeping; I’ve been that way since a kid. I HATED cleaning my room when I was young. Fast forward to now. I have a very high tolerance for mess, dirt, etc. I *do* have my limits, but by the time I reach that limit, the house is so bad that, as you say, I feel paralyzed and don’t know where to start. Worse, I have a mid-60’s start home with *NO* storage whatsoever. No garage. No basement, No storage shed. I do have a crawl space, but the ceiling is quite low and it’s so damp that everything molds, mildews, and rots. I can’t use it.
Add 11 rescued cats and litter boxes in the living room.
Add my participation in a Medieval re-enactment group with the needed paraphernalia; clothing, tentage & bedding, kitchen stuff, medieval furniture, archery equipment, etc. My packing list for these re-enactments is 4 pages long. This stuff *does* fit in the walk in closet of the master bedroom, but it’s at the other end of the house. After lugging all this stuff out to the truck 3 or 4 times, I simply stored it in the den, which has a door to the driveway.
I have Stuff my parents gave me before they moved to a retirement home at the other end of the country. This includes furniture, knickknacks, etc. There’s no room for it. The smaller stuff is still in the big plastic tub I brought it home in 3 years ago.
They gave me 3 book cases, which I actually needed, but the den floor is covered with Stuff and all the book are in stacks against the den wall where the book cases belong. I’d have to move them, along with everything else, to get the book cases where they belong. I have several hundred books, so the task is very daunting.
I need help, but none of my friends are willing to help and I can’t afford a professional organizer/cleaner.
If I had a basement or garage, it would just be a matter of putting all this stuff in one or both of these places, but I don’t. I don’t know where to put all this crap so I can at least move the book cases to the den walls and put the books in them. Even if I did this, I’d still have all my re-enactment stuff to deal, with along with all the other stuff I have no place for.
Advice?
Caley, that sounds like quite a lot to be dealing with! It’s hard to say what the best thing to do is going to be..it sounds like the ONLY solutions will either involve letting go of some things, or finding a way to rent some storage space. Neither of these things are an easy decision, and it’s only yours to make. Truthfully, I believe you’ll find more peace if you can get rid of some of it, but I also know how hard that can be. Regardless of what you end up doing, I wish you the best. <3
Dear Caley, OMG, you sound so much like me. I’ve struggled all my life with clutter. I had 3 little boys and I was a single mom and at one time I had two jobs because my ex-husband never gave child support. Now, I’m 75 years old. One son died in 2008 of a stroke. the other two are in their 50’s. But losing my son put me into a deep depression. I married again, had two girls, one is 39 and the other one, 33 is with me because she has Down’s Syndrome (she is an angel). Clutter is my constant companion. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that clutter (in my case) is a result of depression and lack of self-esteem.
Today, I discovered a bag of potatoes that I had put away and forgotten about and it was full of flies – yuk. My refrigerator is also a mess. Now I’m planning to move to another state and I sat down one day and wrote out a very detailed purge and clean-up plan. I, too, have hundreds of books. I went through each room and made a list of all the little “jobs” I would have to do to get the room semi-packed and ready. For instance, my bedroom list is 22 items long. I have a 6-drawer dresser and each drawer is one little job. I have a floor to ceiling bookcase with 8 shelves and each shelf is a little job. So what I’m doing and what you should do is make a plan and give your self time to do it. It took 30 years (in this house) to have the mess I’ve accumulated.
It’s only been a week since I made the plan and I’ve done 3 of the little jobs. The whole house totals 152 little jobs. I have a year to move and that means I have to do approximately 3 jobs a week to get to the finish line. All I can say is, love yourself and make a plan and do each little job and as you finish each little job, mark it off your list and the feeling of accomplishment will spur you on to do another little job.
I also have a very small house (1100 SF) but I do have a garage. It sounds like your two biggest problems are the books and the re-enactment paraphernalia. Those aren’t little jobs but you can still tackle them if you can somehow make several little jobs out of them. I know that sounds crazy, but you can do it.
Move your book pile little by little into small laundry baskets (if you have a few) then move the basket in one BIG step out of the way. Then repeat if you have a few baskets, or reusable totes etc. Once the area is cleared ask a neighbour (doesnt have to be a friend) if they could simply come in to move the bookcases with you. Put them in place, then load those babies up. You will feel a HUGE accomplishment in just that, and you will have gained floor space!!!
Then look at your medieval wear and decipher what all you have and how best it could be stored.
For example I have a family of 5 people, and we had a giant overflowing Tote-bin of all season shoes (we live where there are 4 seasons). As you can imagine NOONE wanted to search for matching shoes in the tote, we’d put off changing shoes between seasons until it was absolutely mandatory, we often couldn’t find matches, we would sometimes buy new-to-us or new shoes to AVOID the bin. I spent $40 on a rolling shoe rack that holds 50 pairs. Do we need 50 pairs? No! BUT I’ll tell ya right now that baby is pretty full as we have a few in between sizes being passed down between our kids. AND I dont have to LOOK for shoes, I simply have to grab the pair off the shelf and replace with the current pair (when changing seasons). Its tall and slim so actually doesn’t take up a huge amount of space (no more than using a bookshelf would) and its more practical for our day-to-day living.
Tell me if you want a book right now and its in a stack of 6 books and is the 2nd closest to the ground, how often do you find yourself unstacking to restack to get a book, or diving into 3 bins to find your medieval clothing or article because you dont want to lug the entire bin to your engagement. Find storage that works for your items. You already have the bookcases thats a huge win for you. Slowly move those books and make your day to day better 🙂 Best of luck, you may not need additional storage after all, just better use of the spaces you ALREADY have!
My dear friend is in the same position you are, including multiple cats. I’ve been helping her in stages (so she doesn’t get overwhelmed) to organize according to the way she lives. If you try to fit yourself into a cookie cutter system, you will not sustain it long term.
First, you’ll need to designate an area/room for a specific purpose (ie: re-enactment, cats, home office, etc.).
Second, completely clear and clean one specific designated area.
Third, return only the related items and furniture to that area.
Repeat with each area until complete.
SPECIAL NOTES: When designating an area, consider where YOU typically use the items. Also, as you go, be brutal in what you keep. If you don’t really love it or use it, get rid of it. Take out trash and load donations into your vehicle immediately. Consider placing your cats’ litter where in can not be seen by guests, not in the kitchen or living room.
Most important, do one area at a time. Reward yourself after each area is completed.
Later, if clutter begins to pile up again, it is merely a sign that the organization method for that is not working for you. It says nothing about your character. Simply consider re-organizing that particular type of thing in the area where it tends to gather.
Good luck and best wishes!
I had a similar problem with my mother and her boyfriend, who served time in the military. He had a bunch of friends who passed away. Being that, he also accumulated a lot of memorabilia from his fallen comrades. I suggested that he clean the place once, but gave me a look that I won’t forget.
Shortly thereafter, during a small stint at a reunion for fallen soldiers, I called for the services of Jux Los Angeles, a garage and attic cleaning / reorganization company, based in southern a California. My mother’s boyfriend wasn’t pleased with what I had done at first. As a week passed by since the renovation, much to his chagrin, he had to tell me that the place looked so different and that now, he has a place where he can honor his brothers and sisters; in his garage ( I made it extra special and hung up some uniforms his comrades wore on the garage walls…)
This article made me want to cry. I used to be a “mom”—-baked, cleaned, etc. Full time stay at home mom. But after my husband was killed suddenly in a horrific work accident, leaving me the sole caretaker and breadwinner of seven children, I had to become “dad”—and work a full time job and a part time job. My once beautiful and passably neat home is practically unlivable. I come home from work and fall asleep where I sit. My heart aches at the thought of trying to be the “mom” AND the “dad”—there just aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do it all. And it has gotten SO bad now—–I literally am paralyzed —-unable to affect any kind of change with the small snippets of time I can find here and there. It IS hopeless.
Oh I am so so sorry to hear this!
I grew up in a tidy home and have great organizing habits, my problem is my partner’s stuff. He has a very different understanding of everything having a place and thing being put away. I’ve tried to take control of his clutter, but after 10+ years I’m overwhelmed by it. I feel like I’m cleaning all the time and never getting ahead. We’ve talked about this many many times over the years, but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He’s a wonderful man, but he has waaaay too much stuff and is unwilling to get rid of ANYTHING because he just might need it one day or we may move to a bigger space one day. Any tips on tackling this kind of clutter?
Hi!
I just want to say this article is EXACTLY how I feel right now. And I’m not even a Mom; just a girl living in a house with a brother, father, 3 cats, and every other foster critter in my house. It makes me feel better knowing I’m not the only one feeling like this! I’m going to try this method of just asking myself, “where does this item go?”, like you said. Thanks for posting this!! ;w;
I have a small house and huge mess. Seems the home for everything isnt big enough and is flooding the house. I am so overwhelmed.
This article truly spoke to me and had me in tears. I was raised in a very messy home with my grandparents who held on to everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING! Grocery Bags, Twist Ties, Country Crock Margarine containers, etc. I remember once trying to throw out a box of old torn up sheets and my Grandpa saw them in the garbage can outside and brought them right back inside and accused me of being wasteful even though they were in a garbage bag in my tiny closet I shared with my sister. I always promised when I grew up I would not keep my house like that and here I am with crap everywhere feeling paralyzed. Luckily because of that experience I do not keep junk I do not need, I do however tend to let laundry and things of that nature pile up around me to the point of feeling paralyzed.
hahaha as soon as i got to the statement about not finding a bag of potatoes i knew that you truly don’t know the struggle of a messy house. because you can find the potatoes all right, just follow the smell if it doesn’t kill you first!
I loved your article! I felt like I could have written it myself. so simular is the mess, shame, overwhelmed feelings. Its hard to ask for help, because of the shame, I have no friends, and the ones I had prior were so judgemental, disgusted, I retreat more..
When I worked, I was very clean at work and organized. I do not think I am lazy, which everyone assumes messy people are. and even when I do a big clean up and feel proud, if I do have a visitor/family over and say, Look it is clean! They say” it is?” which makes me feel like unless i am Martha Stewart or have fancy furniture/items my home will never be good enough. Yeah yeah, you can say “who gives a shit what other say, you cleaned up 95% of the mess, you should be proud” But I dont I feel beaten down, ashamed that even when I do clean, it’s NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.
Over the past 3 years, I have improved and incorporated habits, like, washing a dish or several, every time I make a coffee etc.
I also LOVE a clean, organized , minimalist home.
So here’s my query, although I don’t expect a Jungian reply, I am curious if anyone has a guesstimate of what’s going on.
So I get a letter in my door [ I live in an apt ] “Unit inspection for____” < fill in the blank. Which sends me into panic, fear, mental distress over the impending inspection, they usually only give you 24 hours, I can get some done in that time, but not ALL. Likewise with family, friends.
I am SO Ashmed of someone seeing what a dump my apt is. So my query, WHY then with ALL this shame, embarrassment, guilt regarding a pigsty, why doesn't the SHAME alone propel us to fix it?
This baffles me. Shame seems to work in many other areas for us to get our shit together.
And for the neat freaks? Stop being so simplistic and judgey, instead ask" You seem overwhelmed, how can I help?" instead of " OMG you slob, JUST CLEAN!"
No!! I CAN’T DO THIS! I have been trying to get our home CLEAN forever now, it seems! I mean, IMMACULATE. I have to, because we adopted a kitten from a shelter, and she came to us with just about everything under the sun. Fleas. Ringworm. Giardia. Coccidia. Bartonella. Calicivirus. I’ve had to scrub, and bleach, and steam, and clean walls and floors and ceilings and carpets and test and retest the kitten. She still has all of the above, after medicines and disinfecting literally every square inch of my home, and keeping her confined to a small area and handling her as little as possible (can’t really be very good for her social growth, can it?) and yet she STILL keeps coming up positive. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I have done everything but burn the house to the ground. She came up clear of FIV and Feline Leukemia twice, so we know it’s not those which are keeping her infected. She doesn’t have fleas, at all. She’s had so many baths and skin treatments and antifungals and antibiotics (for the Bartonella). They keep saying that there’s something in the home that I must be missing… so I scrub and scrub and scrub and steam and bleach and vacuum and do laundry every single day! And my house apparently STILL isn’t clean enough if she keeps coming back with parasites and fungus. I’m about to put her to sleep, even though she acts perfectly healthy and she’s real sweet despite having to be isolated all the time to protect our other cat. And… I’m doing this totally by myself, in addition to picking up after my slob husband, doing all the cooking, washing dishes after every meal (no dishwasher, of course… why do I think I deserve a break?), running to the laundromat because we don’t even have HOOK UPS for a washer or dryer in our rental duplex, so I can’t even think about doubling up on tasks… plus taking care of the yard work, grocery shopping, running the cats to the vet, all with no car so I have to do it on the bus or ride a bike or walk (oh, BTW… it’s raining today and he forgot to leave bus money, so of course I have to walk… why do I think I deserve a break? With arthritis, on top of it!)
I’m tired. I just want to roll up and cry. :'(
This was literally me today. Crying and everything because it was TOO overwhelming!
My house actually gets like this quite often. And I’m the kind of wife that will go to my husband ask him to pick me a spot to start when he gets home from work. We start discussing together what rooms will take priority and what rooms can wait until the next day while doing a walk through of the house. I have five boys 6 and under and only two goes to school right now so “paralyzed by the mess” definitely rings true to me.
I’m so glad I’m not alone with this problem. But biggest broblem for me is my husbands stuff, he leaves everything on floors, tables et. And doesn’t have home for things. What Can I do? I have talked about it with him many times, and even taken his stuff In his own closet when I can’t bear it any More.
Very informative and well-structured article. Learned a lot of new things from this. Thanks for your contribution.
I am so grateful for this article. It’s helped me feel that I’m not completely alone… My story is a little different in that I’m 43 and don’t have children. I live with and am the only caregiver to my 80 year mom with dementia (Alzheimer’s). We have 5 + cats, 1 dog, and I work full time. I’ve suffered from extreme anxiety, depression, sleep apnea, and acute hypersomnia (the opposite of insomnia) my entire life. I dropped out of 11th grade because of it. I got my GED a week later. Growing up, my parents and I lived in perpetual, extreme, and horrible clutter. I’ve never known a neat and tidy house. After my father passed away in 2013, we purchased a house literally across the street. Due to the amount of things my parents had accumulated over 40 years of marriage, it took us working almost everyday for 11 months, an enormous roll off dumpster, and a storage unit for another year, to finally get my mom completely moved in. We have lived in this beautiful 1903 Victorian house since 2015/2016, and it’s the same thing, just another place. I feel so overwhelmed and ashamed. I don’t know who to reach out to… One of my cats throws up hairballs and food on a regular basis. There is so much dog and cat hair, dust, and clutter, it’s ridiculous. I recently paid a clutter expert $300 to help me clean me just bathroom. We have 13 rooms in total… I’ve become a hermit, due to the shame, and don’t know what else to do..
I feel like one of you commenting would be most welcome to come and help me… you get it! My hubby works away week on/off and my kids prefer not to help (clearly mummy losing her poop isn’t sign enough for help!) and I’m also a nurse doing shift work… notice all my excuses haha. So I think the ‘one thing at a time’ method might just be the trick- even for the kids! Glad I decided to just google what to do and found your link! Maybe one day soon I won’t be embarrassed to have people over. Thanks xx
Hey there! I’m Brandi and stay at home mom of 12,3&2 year olds whom I love so much and I’m so happy that with my last two babies I’ve been able to be a stay at home mommy because I was a single mom and worked full time and was taking college classes so I know how blessed I am but ever since their dad went to Afghanistan I literally have been feeling the exact same way that you described along with some other things. I have been literally feeling so depressed and I’m ashamed and feeling like why am I a failure and I have lost myself in these feelings that I am losing the precious time I have and getting to be at home with my kids. I literally felt like “am I the only one that feels like this?” And went to google and found your article. I just wanted to let you know that I am very grateful to you for writing this and being real and raw… I truly appreciate your honesty and positive uplifting message because I so badly have felt so alone and that I am just a failure and that there’s something wrong wrong with me because I have always been clean and organized and my houses prior to have Zoë and Michael, even when working full time etc. but with my oldest in her preteens stage and the two little ones are beautiful little spirits but they are also like walking tornadoes and the second I get one mess clean they have made three more and the only time I can get the dishes done is when they are asleep and they’ve started to not do naps and by the time I’ve finally gotten them to lay down or to sleep I’m so exhausted and depressed I just don’t even want to move ya know?!! Smh 🤦🏼♀️🤷♀️💆🏼Lol but within seconds of reading I had instant weight off my shoulders finding out that I’m not the only one who has been where I am. And actually been where I am at the paralyzed and embarrassed and depressed and ashamed type of mess… I am sooo thankful for you and your kindness and compassion and just wanted you to know that you have helped me so much! 🥰☺️🙏🏼Thank you and best of luck to you and your family!!! Xoxo
I needed this right now!! I have improved so much in overall organization and keeping our home decent. But occasionally it somehow all falls back into overwhelming chaos like right now. This encouraged me to work on it beyond just today, but to keep working at the bigger picture to stop falling back into this.
For working mothers house cleaning becomes a hectic job but you can’t just see all that mess and smile. You have to make sure that everything is at its place and the floor and carpets are dust-free. Commercial cleaning is very important as they are professional in their work and save much time by doing all the cleaning tasks efficiently.