For all of my childhood and most of my teenage years, my family lived across the country from my grandparents. Then, when I was fourteen we moved, and we actually lived with my grandparents for a while until we bought and closed on our house. Then our house was just five minutes around the corner.
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It would be easy to think my relationship with my grandparents was drastically different with a 1,700-mile gap from what it was when our rooms were just down the hall from each other.
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Yes, in some ways our relationship shifted.
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But in all the ways that mattered, our relationship was the same: sturdy, loving, and present, even when we didn’t have oodles of time together. My grandparents obviously loved our time together, but they also gave me mine. They shared in my joys and my worries. They built me up, listened, and helped me feel close to them, both across the country and down the road.
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It can be hard to know if you’re developing the relationship you want with your grandchildren. You may have limited time, or you may still be trying to navigate your place as you respect your children’s parenting style. Others may worry they don’t know how to relate to their grandkids, while some may feel overwhelmed by the energy and chaos of their grandkids.
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All the best relationships are different and personal, but we’ve put together a list of 11 things grandparents can do to have great relationships with their grandkids. For those of you living far away from the little ones in your family, we’ve added in applications for you under every tip. Because your relationship with your grandkids can be just as strong as it is for grandparents who live in the same town.
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1. Give Your Undivided Attention and Presence
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Sometimes helping your grandkids open up in the first place, without creating a feeling of interrogation, is hard enough. When all you’re getting are one-word okays and fines, switch up your strategy, and ask open-ended questions or give gentle requests like, “Tell me about the music you’re into right now,” or “What’s something you laughed at today?”
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Even hypothetical questions that have no pressure for a right response can help kids express themselves. Think questions like, “What’s something you wish you could do this week?” Or, my six-year-old’s favorite: “If you could be any three animals, what would you pick?” When all else fails, lean into humor.
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Application for Grandparents Who Live Far Away
Set a time each week to video chat with your grandkids. Be ready to listen about their week or to guide the conversation if they don’t have much to say. Remember that a short, energetic conversation is plenty for little ones!Â
2. Do Everyday Activities Together
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Application for Grandparents Who Live Far Away
During your weekly call, do an activity together or plan something you can both do during the coming week that you can talk about during the next call. Maybe you bake a batch of the same cookies during your video call. You can each try the chocolate chips or laugh about how burnt the last batch is. Maybe you pick a book to read during the week and set a plan for how many chapters you’ll talk about during the next week’s call.
Whether you’re playing a video game or FaceTiming during baseball practice so you can cheer along, pick something that they would do in their everyday.
3. Remember the Small Details of Their Worlds and Enter Into ItÂ
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If you can remember the details they tell you about what they love, then you have more than enough information to build a great relationship. When remembering the small details seem hard, write them down! Then, make sure to chat about those things or try singing along to their favorite tunes.
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Application for Grandparents Who Live Far Away
Even from afar, you can show that you care about the details your grandchildren share of what they love. Email a free coloring page you find online of their favorite Disney character. Listen to that song they said they like and send a voice note or text sharing what you thought. Send a package with that snack they said they love.Â
4. Share Family Stories and Identity
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More importantly, our family talks about and shares the stories of our family. Hearing about my mom when she was small straight from the mouth of her dad always makes me smile. Learning about the faith of my ancestors gives me a desire to strengthen my own.Â
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Application for Grandparents Who Live Far Away
Consider recording a family story over a voice note, a video, or on one of their Tonies, if they have one. The stories can be light or serious, full of wisdom or full of fun. They are meant to help your grandchild recognize their place in the world and in your family.Â
You could even point out the characteristics or talents you see in them that may have been handed down to them from their ancestors.
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Another idea is to put together a package that includes the recipe and the needed ingredients for that famous family pie.
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5. Keep Consistent Rituals and Traditions
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Application for Grandparents Who Live Far Away
Choose a schedule for weekly calls and stick to it. Pick a greeting you use every time you chat.ÂÂ
6. Stay Patient and Empathetic
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Do your best to listen to differences and expressed concerns with curiosity. This is something my grandpa was a master in. He’s since passed, and I miss the way he would sit and carefully listen and ask questions about my problems and thoughts, rather than rushing in with a fix-it attitude or with judgment.
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Application for Grandparents Who Live Far Away
Your empathetic ear is just as good over the phone as it is in person! No need for extras here (other than the words that you’re sending hugs)!Â
7. Respect Parental Boundaries
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Application for Grandparents Who Live Far Away
Talk to your children about any parenting strategies they’re trying to incorporate, and make sure you’re doing your best to follow those guidelines in how to talk to and about your grandchildren and their parents.Â
8. Keep All Your Promises
Ah, thank goodness! An easy one! Keeping little promises builds the foundation for your whole relationship. When you say, “I’ll be at your show on Saturday night,” and you really come, quietly and without fuss, you fortify your relationship with trust and attention.
Application for Grandparents Who Live Far Away
Don’t feel like you need to make grand promises. Tiny promises like “I will call on Sunday,” are just as good for building your relationship in a way that lasts.Â
9. Write Letters
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Who doesn’t love to get a letter or a package in the mail? The anticipation of what the note says or what’s inside the box can brighten anyone’s day. Plus, it’s a reminder to your grandchild that you are thinking about them even when you’re not together.
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Application for Grandparents Who Live Far Away
Snail mail is a perfect way for grandparents who live far away from their grandkids to create a personal, physical documentation of their friendship with their grandkids. Plus, having consistent letters, postcards, and packages give you and your grandkids something fun to look forward to. Add in stickers, drawings, or an occasional treat for extra happiness.
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10. Document Your Time Together
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My kids and I love watching these videos and thinking about the wonderful times we have together. Plus, they’re easy to see at any time. The easier you make it for your grandchildren to see the documentation of your time together, the better.
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Application for Grandparents Who Live Far Away
Send pictures or videos of your times together, either over text or in the mail. You can even print out pictures for them to put in their room.Â
11. Adjust Through Every Stage
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Application for Grandparents Who Live Far Away
It may feel harder to notice the shifts in your grandkids with them far away. But even asking how you can be there for them can make all the difference. If need be, talk to their parents to see how best you can support their child as personalities change and mature.Â
Consistency and Time is All it Takes
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While I was upstairs using the bathroom, two of my guy friends started messing around and wrestling. That’s when I heard The Big Thud.
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As quickly as I could, I raced back down to the basement to see my friends huddled together at the bottom of the stairs by a three-foot crater in my grandparents’ wall. While they wrestled, one of my friends had fallen against the wall just so, with the result being a hole in the wall I could have crawled through.
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No one was hurt, but I felt frustrated and guilty. This wasn’t even my house, and my dumb friends had caused some serious damage! To their credit, they fessed up right away and were ready to tell my grandparents as soon as I came down.
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As these two boys trailed behind me as we went to tell my grandparents, I wondered what would happen. Something you should know is this is a beautiful house that is beautifully cared for. My grandparents love that house, and they have high standards. They are incredibly loving, but they are not pushovers in any way. I didn’t know what to expect. Would they yell? Kick out my friends? Blame me?
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But when we got upstairs and told them what had happened, grandma simply said, “It’s okay. Show us where it happened.”
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When my grandparents saw the hole, I could tell they weren’t happy, but they kept their cool and calmly reassured my friends and me that they knew it was an accident. They made a plan with the boys for helping fix the wall, and that was that.
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I should have known that my grandparents would react with boundaries but plenty of grace. I’d had seen this pattern in your relationship for years. Listening, grace, and love, with accountability still necessary. It was a relationship I could count on, and one that you can create too. All it takes is consistency and time. You’ve got this.