Mommy On Purpose

Now that the car seat is facing forward, it’s occurred me that I need to start managing my road rage in more appropriate ways. My new year’s resolution last year (in addition to becoming a clean freak) was to stop swearing, and as far as I’m concerned, that includes my clearest and most useful form of communication behind the wheel. So I’ve been working on strategies all year.

My first idea was to strap an LED sign to the top of my car, with a voice transcription device that would display everything I said to the cars behind me:
This gave rise to all kinds of ideas for such a handy device:

Unfortunately, I didn’t choose a career in electrical engineering. Plus I can’t even bring myself to affix bumper stickers to my pristine white car, so I find myself limited to either shouting out the window or gesticulating as clearly as possible without corrupting the cheerio-muncher in the back seat. So here’s the system I’ve come up with…

Generic “the eff are you thinking??”

“You are SO lucky I’m not packin heat.” Great to use on red light runners, stop sign ignorers, cutter-offers and all cheeky monkeys in general.

“Lay off the Jack and stay in your lane, Jim Bob.” Useful for just about anyone having trouble coloring inside the lines.

“You’d drive a lot better with that Blackberry shoved up your tail pipe.” Seriously, there’s a reason it’s illegal in most states now.

“Remove head from sphincter, then drive.” Use on anyone focusing on anything other than their driving. Or driving like it.

“Cry me a river.”

This one comes in handy on the rare occasions I’M the one pulling the cheeky monkey moves, and my hapless victim gets their chonies in a twist. Which I only do to people who really deserve it, like people napping at green lights or having panic attacks at 4-way stops. People really who shouldn’t be driving. Or procreating, for that matter.

And finally, the golden standard of non-vulgar gestures guaranteed to mess up any cheeky monkey who’s pissed you off, to keep them second-guessing their driving behaviors for weeks to come, my most powerful and provocative driving gesture…

“Well gee, Uncle Bob, I didn’t know that was YOU that just tried to side swipe me!”

This works especially well if you have “one of those faces,” and even BETTER if you live in Utah. This totally freaks people out, because they start wondering whether or not they go to church with you and how many of their friends and relatives you’re going to tell that they drive like a prison escapee. You have NO IDEA how well this works.

So, there you have it. My best strategies for coping with road rage. Of course, I could take the mature route and manage the anger itself, but what fun would that be?

What are your road rage coping strategies?